There was no legroom, and no guarantee that we’d be let out the other end. Chukotka is part of Russia, but you need a special permit to travel there, and we didn’t have one. Roman Abramovich is Russia’s second richest businessman. I couldn’t get to sleep. I kept having visions of being dragged off the plane by stern-faced Cold War-era border guards, cast into the tundra and left to the mercy of wild reindeer.

By the time we landed at Anadyr airport, I was so exhausted, that in my rather confused state of mind those border guards had metamorphosed into Chukotkan reindeer in Red Army uniforms, waiting to pierce me with their antlers.

The plane door swung open and in marched two incredibly cheerful female border guards. They were full of smiles and chuckling away to themselves as they checked everyone’s papers. We obeyed. To my relief, instead of being looked on as villains, we were treated as VIPs. A delegation from the local administration greeted us and took us into town. We’d cleared the first hurdle. we were inside Chukotka.

The reclusive tycoon bought Chelsea football club earlier this summer The following day, Roman Abramovich flew in on his private jet. Mr Abramovich’s adviser Alexander contacted us at the hotel. We were ushered to a table in a quiet corner, and there he was, Roman Abramovich. He didn’t look anything like I’d imagined Russia’s second-richest man to look. He wore jeans, a white sweater, he had designer stubble. And there he sat, sipping a glass of water.

This was the perfect opportunity to break the ice. We chatted about football. It was a dangerous confession to make, but I admitted I wasn’t a Chelsea fan - I supported Spurs. “Ah, Tottenham,” he said, excitedly. “I nearly bought that.”

We filmed him on a visit to a whale hunters’ village, at a concert of Chukotkan throat singing, and as he inspected dozens of construction projects which he’s personally funding He told us we could travel with him on his helicopter around Chukotka. He was willing to be filmed, but that the interview would be brief.

“I cannot even talk properly to save myself from getting kneecapped by the Russian mafia. I have made billions with no effort and lots of panache. The only difference between a drug dealer and me is that my product is legal. I always attached myself to powerful patrons. That way I knew that I would never have to work for a living.” he says laughing.

“I am the first man to make a billion dollars without a drop of sweat.
In the early 1990s I befriended President Boris Yeltsin’s crony Boris Berezovsky. In 1995, Berezovsky loaned the government $100 million for 51% of Sibneft (’Siberian Oil’), Russia’s sixth biggest oil company worth $2.8 billion then (and $15 billion in 2003), and sold it to myself in another sham auction 18 months later for $110 million. I owned all the bidders in the auction. We robbed the government of $7.7 billion. We are actually worse than the Russian mafia.

“Russia’s Audit Chamber reported that the sale was conducted with ‘multiple legal violations’ and ’should be considered invalid’. Too little too late. In 2003, Berezovsky had to flee Russia, and the Blair government gave him political asylum. Labour loves billionaires, however dodgy. That is why I too ran to England and bought Chelsea with tax money.

“I broke company law by selling shares in Noyabrsk, Sibneft’s extraction arm, to Sibneft at discount. The buyers transferred their shares to Sibneft two months later. The way I conned workers out of their share vouchers and slashed their wages was just masterful. Putin set up tax havens inside Russia, whereby regional governors could offer inward investors huge tax breaks. I took full advantage of this by becoming governor of the province of Chukotka. Naturally I evaded regional taxes on Sibneft’s profits by selling oil at a high discount to subsidiary in Chukotka, which would then sell it to the end user at a hundred times the price. This gained me $500 million, far more than I spent on Chukotka, about $1 million. So the region lost $490 million net. ‘Profit without hard work’ is my mantra I am the first man to make a billion dollars without a drop of sweat..

“I bought Chelsea Football Club in July 2003 as it is the cheapest insurance policy in history. I still continue my crooked ways. I did lots of insider dealing on Chelsea shares, and seven dodgy offshore trusts’ ownership of Chelsea shares. After all great fortunes begin in crime. There are lots of rich, young people in Russia who like myself, Alexei Mordashov have never worked even for a day to put food on the table. We don’t live that long, so we spend it. That is easy. It is not billions that we had to work for. Why should we? We are Russian Oligarchs.

“You look at our faces you will be surprised. We don’t look like ordinary billionaires, because we aren’t. We look like either corrupt soviet bureaucrats or 35 year old charismatic scoundrels; because that’s who we are. Russian oligarchs like me did not create wealth. We actually didn’t create anything. We simply stole former Soviet property and have been leaching off it for the last 15 years.

“And the people who were capable of doing this were either corrupt Soviet bureaucrats in the right places at the right time or 21 year old college drop-outs like myself with shrewd, cruel. bone lazy minds and no fear. It’s because of us that Russia doesn’t produce anything but natural resources, extracted without any accountability or transparency. While we own castles in Britain and hundreds of billions of dollars, the total Russian federal budget is only 104 billion dollars a year, and Russian pensioners are forgoing toilet paper to save money. Is that enough for the interview?

That includes West Ham United…

Corinthians are in terrible problems, not least because they have had 7 managers in the two years since MSI took a controlling interest in the club, and in fact is questionable if Corinthians have a club at all. It is reported that MSI are paying the wages of all but 5 of the players, and could therefore do exactly what they have done with Tevez and Mascherano.

Arsenal may have problems, but it will be nothing compared to the problems Chelsea, Portsmouth etc would have if police were to investigate alleged money laundering (seriously).

anyway its all academic if wenger insists on playing Hoyte at left back.