Jokes & Funnies
There’s nothing like laughing at the expense of teams we just don’t like.
So here are some great jokes which are obviously anti-everyotherteam except Arsenal. Well, actually saying that the majority of them are anti-United.
They’ve been sourced from over the years and some are classics while others are pretty crap to be honest.
But I’m sure at least one of them will raise a smile!
Some classic Q&A’s
Q) What’s the difference between a Man United fan and a twat with a big stick?
A) The big stick.
Q) What’s the difference between a dildo and a Man United fan?
A) A Man United fan is a real dick!
Continental Coaching Techniques…
Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team.
After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. ‘Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally’. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: ‘Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?’ ‘That is not difficult’, Dennis answers immediately, ‘Of course that is me’. ‘You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp’, Wenger says to Fergie.
Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United’s practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines. ‘David, I have a question for you’, he says, ‘He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?’ ‘My God, Coach’, is the Spice Boy’s reply, ‘That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?’ Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement.
So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. ‘Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?’ ‘That is easy, that is me!’, says Jaap Stam.
So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: ‘David, do you know the answer to my question now?’. ‘Yes it was actually very easy’, he says, ‘Is it Jaap Stam?’
Ferguson answers: ‘No of course not you stupid b*****d. It’s Dennis Bergkamp.’
Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal team are having a chat in the dressing room before their match against Manchester Utd.
“Look guys, I know they’re shite..”, explains Arsene, “but we have to play them to keep the FA happy”. “I’ll tell you what..”, pipes up Bergkamp, “You guys go down the pub and I’ll play them on my own, how does that sound?”. “Seems reasonable.”, replies Arsene and the other lads, and with that they all go down the Highbury Tavern and start playing pool.
After an hour or so, Vieria remembers the match and flicks to pub telly onto Ceefax: Arsenal 1 (Bergkamp 10min), Manchester Utd 0 - is the score line. Couple of minutes later they recheck the score and it is Arsenal 2 (Bergkamp 11min), Manchester Utd 0 “- Confidently they resume their pool match for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: Arsenal 2 Manchester Utd 1 (Giggs 89min).
“WHAT!!”, they exclaim and run back to Highbury where they find Dennis sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
“What the *.!$% happened, Dennis?”, bellows Tony Adams. “Sorry lads”, Bergkamp replies, “Bloody ref sent me off in the 12th minute”.
Some Quickfire Q&A…
Q) How many Man. Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A) 540,001. That’s one to change it, 40,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit! In fact, it could be argued 540,002, as someone will have to compare the light bulb to George Best.
Q) How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Two, one two change the light bulb and the other to drive up from London.
Q) What’s the difference between a Hedgehog and Old Trafford?
A) A Hedgehog has the pricks on the outside!
Q: What have Man Utd and a 3 pin plug got in common?
A: There both useless in Europe!
Q) How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
A) Show him a map of Manchester!
Q) Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A) It’s the only place in the world with no atmosphere!
Q) Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
A) The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q) What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A) Not enough sand.
Q) Why are Man United hoping to build a 40 thousand seater stadium in Brighton
A) So they can be nearer their fan base.
Top Tip For Man Utd Fans:
Don’t waste money on expensive new kits each season, simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support!
The Seven Dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Man Utd are good enough to win the European Cup”, Snow White says “at least Dopey’s alive”.
Alex Ferguson decides to treat his team to a meal at a restauarnt. They sit down at the table and the waitress approaches Alex and asks what he would like. He answers ‘A nice bit of steak please’. ‘What about the vegetables?’ asks the waitress, ‘they’ll have the same’ says Alex.
A London van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest “where are you going, Father?”, “I’m going to say mass at St. Josephs church, about 2 miles down the road” replied the priest.
“No problem Father. I’ll give you a lift, climb in.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything he turned to the priest and said “I’m sorry Father, I almost hit the Manchester United fan.”
“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got the fucker with the door!”
There’s Snow White, Tom thumb, and Quazimodo (from the hunchback of Notre Damn) in a room.
Tom Thumb says: “I bet I’m the smallest person in the whole wide world!”
So Snow White says: And I bet I’m the prettiest in the whole wide world!
So Quazimodo says: “Well, I must be the ugliest in the world!”
So, Tom thumb goes out in the world to do a survey on small people. he comes back and says: “yep, it’s confirmed, I am the smallest person in the whole wide world!” So, Snow white goes out and does exactly the same, and comes back and says: “yep, me too, it’s confirmed, I am the prettiest person in the world!”
So, Quazimodo says: “If you’re the smallest, and you’re the prettiest, I MUST be the ugliest!” So off he goes to do a survey. When he comes back he’s crying his eyes out. Snow white askes him: “What’s wrong?”
Quazimodo replies: “Who the f*ck is Gary Neville?”